Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
