literally had 100 drinks last night.
zippers are such a cool invention
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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