i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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