one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
