Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
