I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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