I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
