soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
