the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
