Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
