I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
