I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize