just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
