I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
