Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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