How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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