Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just tell him i said nine months
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
