A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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