I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize