I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
