You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
