everyone is single if you try hard enough
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize