last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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