Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
actually, I'm a sock model
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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