I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
