im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
