you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I had to cum in my sink.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
