Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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