I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
