bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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