haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
