You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize