Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
