You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
