made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
