Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
