I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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