I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
