My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
