i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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