she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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