Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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