Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
