My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
