All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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