the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
