I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
