Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
