well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
