Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize