Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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