Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
