Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
