I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
