You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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