I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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