i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
