Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
