It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
