Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
