R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
